Looking back to move forward

I tell people I am in a different place now – totally different! I can see their confusion but they politely say ‘that’s great’. I know they have no concept of my own situation and actually that’s fine. I’m glad I have kept the darkest times to myself or at least to the closest family.

Remember Reality

(Photo credit: Pensiero)

There are still times that I could class a day as ‘bad’ (now very rarely – thankfully!). How bad are they really? I have to remember my life before to put these days in context and then to move on with a spring in my step.

I have to remember missing weeks of university in my first year due to the original injury to my back. I have to remember flying from Japan to the UK in such pain I begged the crew to let me lie down on the floor but was not allowed so spent the 12 hrs in torment. I have to remember walking through deep snow and not being able to move from a bent position. I have to remember the subsequent  journey by car down the hill which was excruciating. I have to remember coping with a first job with acute sciatica and prolapsed discs. I have to remember not knowing if I could walk down the aisle to be married. I have to remember not being able to pick up my baby. I have to remember trying to function with three prolapsed discs in my neck. I have to remember the glint in the surgeon’s eye. I have to remember every holiday being in pain through travel or different beds. I have to remember all the cancelled events or holidays due to paralysis through spasms. I have to remember not being able to do my favourite sports. I have to remember each car journey being a trial. I have to remember not wanting to sit down and stop due to the pain. I have to remember the pain through the night. I have to remember the hospital procedures, scans and treatments. I have to remember the fog of medications. I have to remember not being able to continue this way. I have to remember the raw, unimaginable pain. I have to remember not knowing where to turn or who to trust. I have to remember being told that I have to live with it. I have to remember the smile I tried to wear.

Reading other people’s blogs, website and stories and listening to people has reminded me of these times. I am thankful I do not live them anymore. I understand that it’s useful to look back occasionally, not to dwell or to self pity but to understand how far forward I have really come. I conquered the maze by luck – sadly there are many ‘dead-ends’ out there with people suffering in them. My pain now is that other’s suffer this way when there is an alternative.

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